My Inescapable Stalker

I see her shadow in my mirror.

I have a stalker.

This stalker is always with me. There is nowhere to hide and no restraining order to keep her away. She is always whispering in my ear, reminding me of things that both bring me pain and bring me joy. She never grows weary. She never gets bored. She is with me with in every breath, every thought and every word. I see her in old family photos. I see her impact in my credit report and my 401(k) statements. I see her shadow in my mirror. I have scars on my body from things that she did. I live with the man that she married in the house that she bought.

She is me. She is the me I used to be.

I see all her flaws.

I hate her. I see all her flaws. I see every hour she wasted and dollar she squandered. I wish she had done this and not that. I am frustrated with her lack of discipline. I shake my head at every opportunity she missed. I wonder how she could be so blind, so stupid. Why did she make so many poor decisions? How could she get so upset and be so negative when her life was so easy? She had nothing to complain about!

Then I remember how I love her. How she dove head first into things that brought her joy. All the things she learned that helps me so much today. I remember her hard work that created a good life. I smile remembering all the amazing vacations and oh, the fun. My God she knew how to have fun. She also never gave up on what was in her soul. My heart skips a beat remembering how she chose the love of our life. I respect her for all she gave up to give life to our son. I’m thankful for her good choices and for her lessons.

My God, she knew how to have fun.

I miss being her. She had all the energy she needed. She had freedom and passion and a cute waistline. She laughed easily and cried even easier, having the liberty to worry about the pettiest of things. Taking pleasure in the simplest of joys, she lived with bliss.

Sometimes I forget that she is me. But she made me who I am today, the me that I currently see. In ignorance she stumbled around, creating life at random. And I thank her for it. If not for her, who would I be? Without even knowing it she set the stage for me. She programmed the launch codes. She gave me everything I needed to blast into the next phase of my life.

She created me.

She gave me everything I needed to blast into the next phase of my life.

She gave birth to a child, but also to a new woman. To me, the me that I currently see. Because of her, I am smarter. I am wiser. I know not to waste my time with petty worries. She allowed me to experience the full range of life in all its forms. She created a solid foundation for me to stand on, a rock for me to cling to and memories that will always bring a smile to my face or a tear to my eye. Because of her, I know how to spend my valuable time. I can channel decades of experience into my passions. I can see so many truths because of lies she believed. What a beautiful mess she was.

Then I remember that I, too, am a stalker, haunting the future me…the me that is yet to be.

I am building a castle for the me that is yet to be.

I have the opportunity now to make myself a valuable ghost. One who provides for the me that is yet to be a solid financial net, deep relationships and a history of consistency. The me that used to be built a foundation, but I, the me that I currently see, is building a castle for her, the me that is yet to be. What a beautiful time this is! I am now creating with full knowledge of what I am doing. The me that used to be cluelessly flitted around, as beautiful as that was, in ignorance. But the me that I currently see has her eyes wide open. I am choosing between good and great, between just enough and abundance. With every choice I make, I am creating. I am pregnant with the me that is yet to be, and I have the ability to make her life a fountain of glories.

Let me be a stalker she loves. Let me be a ghost she thanks. Let her look back on the she that she used to be and see a farmer, sowing the seeds of all kinds of prosperity in enlightened intention. Just as I look back on the me I used to be and utter a heartfelt thank you, let the me that is yet to be remember the me that I currently see and feel her heart burst with gratitude.